my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she woke up with a sticky ear
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
