I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
