Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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