Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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