What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
