Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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