What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
