my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
