Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
