She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
