If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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