I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
