What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
