drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
