My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
