My entire life is one complicated drinking game
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
