The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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