everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
