omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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