Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
