Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
