i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
