Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
