I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
then he tried to convert me to islam
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
