You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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