It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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