So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
