So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I party with great urgency now.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
