No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
