I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
