Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We need a shit load of segways right now
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
