Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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