he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
