It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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