my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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