i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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