Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
