...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
