so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
