Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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