you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
