Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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