My friends, they love my intelligence
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
