So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
