i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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