I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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