Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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