i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
