remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
