just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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