Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
